For as long as I can remember, I have considered myself a perfectionist. Like many perfectionists, I used to "humble brag" when I would say, "I am such a perfectionist." I thought this clearly communicated to others what a hard worker I am, how motivated I am, and how I pay attention to every detail. If you want a job done "the right way" you better ask me because I won't accept anything less than perfection. I basically believed that this was a "flaw" that wasn't really a flaw at all. This widespread belief has even lead to the cliché advice to bring up your perfectionist personality during a job interview when asked about your weaknesses...because being perfectionist is a "weakness" that is actually a strength.
Nope. It is a weakness. A big fat weakness.
It wasn't until I read Big Magic (one of my favorite books, by the way) that I realized just how big of a flaw it really is. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote that "...perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified." This is the perfect analogy (no pun intended).
I have spent my entire life (that is, 30 plus years) being a perfectionist about most things. I try to perform perfectly at work, have the perfect form during yoga, find the perfect house, be the perfect mom, write the perfect sentence (which is probably why it takes me forever to write even an email, let alone anything else), schedule the perfect weekend activities, make the perfect choices, and the list just goes on and on. Perfectionism rears its ugly head in other ways too. Like when I go shopping and I find something I like, I carefully inspect the item to make sure I am getting the most "perfect" shirt, pair of sunglasses, chair, mug, etc. It makes shopping tons of fun (enter sarcastic eye roll here).
Being a perfectionist - and even just identifying myself as a perfectionist - brings an unhappy stress like no other. It is totally self-imposed stress, but stress is stress. Below are just some of the things that I learned about being a perfectionist and just some of the reasons why I want to make a change:
⚙ I can take forever to start something because I know it is going to take me so much time to do it perfectly. Procrastination is often the result of my desire for perfection.
⚙ I spend countless hours trying to get even the smallest of the most unimportant details just right. You know the saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees"? Sadly, that should be my life motto.
⚙ Many times, I end up dreading whatever I am working on, so even when I do finish a task, I avoid the task in the future. I mean, after working furiously to make it perfect, who would ever want to put themselves through that again? This leads to many abandoned activities, projects, and hobbies.
⚙ If I am working on something just for myself, I may even give up completely, or I may never start the task at all. Why? Because the task becomes too daunting. For the perfectionist, sometimes doing nothing is better than doing something imperfectly. Because it is impossible to be perfect, there can be a lot of nothing going on.
⚙ My desire to make the "perfect" choice can prevent me from making a choice. The cruel irony of it all? There is often no "right" choice. Sometimes, all you need to do is make a choice and embrace it.
⚙ I waste so much time worrying about things that really don't matter at all. The logical side of my brain knows that the days pass by very quickly, but I rarely show this kind of appreciation for time. Life is too short to stress about achieving a non-existent standard. Perfection prevents me from enjoying the moment.
⚙ The idea of perfection leaves me feeling unsatisfied disappointed, and afraid. Unsatisfied with myself because of the impossible standard I have set. Disappointed that my performance does not meet my expectations. Afraid to be imperfect.
⚙ I am exhausted. I set my standards too high, and I just burn myself out because I can't work at that level forever. Who wants to work so hard to achieve an impossible standard?
I can agonize over just about every decision trying to make the "perfect choice" because I am determined to get it right. Give me a day filled with countless possibilities and no matter what I choose, I will wonder if I made the right choice for my "perfect day." My inner dialogue will run on and on: I should have gotten up earlier. We should have went to the parade instead of the pool. If we didn't take so long at lunch, we could have done so many more things today. Why did we go to the store before the park? Now it's raining and we can't do anything outside. We wasted a beautiful morning. Doesn't a day with me sound like a blast? I mean, who wants to live out the rest of their days like this? (And this question is posed both to the perfectionist and the poor people who live with a perfectionist.)
Making a decision about a purchase is equally excruciating. The amount of research I do to select the "perfect" item (or service) is absurd. I want something that is high quality and the most eco-friendly for the best price. From sofas to rocking chairs, cribs to carpet cleaners, shampoo to water filters, my research is ongoing. Can you guess the result? That's right...I either delay making a decision for months or even years, or I just abandon it all together because - gasp - what if I make the wrong decision? Having nothing is better than having the wrong thing.
Not too long ago, I had myself all worked up because I wasn't sure if we should paint the trim in one of our bedrooms white or off-white. Seriously, I agonized over which shade of white looked better. I mean, am I going to care thirty years from now whether the trim in one of our rooms was "true white" or "snowy white"? Chances are, I'm not even going to care three days from now. By the way, it's been more than three days since I drafted this post, and I completely forgot about this "crisis" until I reread this. You see? There are too many things that we waste our time and energy on that really don't matter at all.
We learn at a young age that "nobody is perfect," yet so many of us continue to aim for perfection as our goal. How many times I missed out on an opportunity or gave up on something all for the sake of perfection. Oh, the projects that I never started, the stories I never wrote, the activities I never tried, all the things I never finished, the water filter I never bought. Yes, that's right. After hours and hours of researching the perfect water filter, I gave up because I couldn't decide which one was perfect for us (and by us, I mean me).
I am exhausted just trying to explain how exhausting it is to be a perfectionist. Not to mention the amount of time it wastes. There has to be better ways to spend my time. Plus, if I ease up on all of this agonizing and questioning, maybe I can cut back on the amount of coffee I drink. Exhausted people need coffee. Did I mention how exhausting it is to be a perfectionist?
And so it dawned on me, what if I try to be an imperfectionist? I honestly did not even know this was a thing until I decided I wanted to write about imperfectionism. So, what is an imperfectionist? Is an imperfectionist someone who is lazy? Unmotivated? Sloppy? I certainly wasn't aiming to be a lazy, unmotivated slob, so I thought I better check out what all of the "experts" on the Internet have to say about imperfectionists. Much to my delight, I found that the sites on imperfectionism were mostly about freedom, acceptance, and happiness. This is exactly what I was hoping to find (which doesn't happen very often when I rely on the Internet to answer my burning questions).
My interpretation of being an imperfectionist is to try things freely, accept yourself, and be happy with what you do. When the imperfectionist has a dream, the idea of perfection does not get in the way. In fact, the idea of perfection never even enters the imperfectionist's mind because why worry about something that doesn't even exist? Instead, the imperfectionist is curious, tries new things, doesn't sweat the small stuff, and has a lot of fun. Just trying something new brings the imperfectionist joy because the process is fun. (Imagine that!) The imperfectionist appreciates and embraces the imperfect. To the imperfectionist, imperfections are what make something or someone interesting and unique. The imperfectionist sees breathtaking beauty in imperfections. Sometimes imperfections show themselves as invaluable life lessons. The imperfectionist finds beauty here too.
Right now, I would like to think that I am a recovering perfectionist. That is, I still very much have perfectionist tendencies, but I try to be aware when the perfectionist within me is attempting to take over a situation and ruin a moment (because that happens a lot). Of course, it is a slow and sometimes painful process with many set backs. If I shared with you the number of hours it took me to design my header image for this blog, you wouldn't believe it. I mean look at. There's nothing to it. Yet, I continued to go back and forth between font sizes and styles, different shades of gray (at least I moved on from agonizing over shades of white), and whether to include my title's abbreviation Hi. Throw in the fact that I have zero artistic talent and no fancy software, I was pretty limited with my choices, but that didn't stop me from testing out just about every option I had.
If perfectionism guarantees me fear, stress, anxiety, and disappointment, then why not make imperfectionism my goal? It's not that I don't want to try hard, but I don't want an impossible standard to hold me back. Instead, I want the curiosity to try something new and the acceptance to appreciate and enjoy the process. I want to experience joy in the things that I do. It is my hope that I will start to take life less seriously, live life more curiously and freely, and most importantly, be happy. After all, it is more fun to be a happy imperfectionist than an unhappy perfectionist. That sounds like a much better life motto to me.
Yes, it is time to be imperfectly happy.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
No comments