How is February over? I can't seem to keep up with the days let alone the weeks and months. So before March is halfway over, I thought I better write about what I learned in February.
Slow down...
Slowing down helps me to find joy and gratitude. My mind wanders constantly. I feel like I am always rushing to get from one place to the next. When I am not hurrying, but instead living slowly in the moment, I feel more calm and present, and I am more likely to appreciate what is and feel joy. I wrote about a splendid day of slowing down in Snow Day. It was such a beautiful day to just be.
Clear the fog...
Attaching meaning to situations brings me pain. I overanalyze and overthink way too much. When I add my own meanings to why people do what they do, I often end up feeling hurt, annoyed, or angry. I reflected on this in What I Learned in January, and here I am still coming back to this. Attaching my own meaning to everything prevents me from experiencing what is real and from seeing the truth. The meanings I create are nothing more than a blanket of fog, making everything fuzzy and unclear. How can I possibly see what is true in this fog?
It is time to clear the fog.
Simplify...
In the Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo writes about the importance of "living directly" and "letting the life around me really touch me," (p. 50). He says, "Being simple...holds the reward for living directly, which is that things appear at last, as they really are," (p. 50).
In other words, stop making things complicated. Let go of the extra meanings that I attach to everything and everyone. Keep it simple. Let things appear as they are.
What a beautiful way to live.
Be patient and feel...
It's okay to just sit with what is rather than trying to figure out the answer. Many times, it is necessary to just feel. Sometimes searching for answers is actually a distraction, when what I really need to do is sit with what is and just feel it. I need to "go through it" rather than trying to fix it and "get over it."
Nepo writes, "...I realize I have spent many hours problem solving emotional facts I just needed to feel," (p. 43).
This is so true. I am always trying to "figure everything out" and come up with answers. This is where the overthinking, overanalyzing, and attaching my own meaning occurs. Instead, I am learning to be patient and to quit rushing the process. Let things be, and trust that the answers will come.
Brené Brown wrote in her book, Braving the Wilderness, that it is easier to be angry than it is to be hurt or scared (p. 65). She also said, "When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain," (p. 67).
But before we can own our emotion, we have to actually feel whatever it is that we are going through. I didn't realize how often I don't feel. I get mad and blame others or I try to fix whatever is happening in order to move on and forget about it. What if I allow myself to feel the hurt and pain?
My entire life, my way of being has been to be afraid, to worry about all the bad things that could happen, to fear the unknown, and to try to prevent and protect myself from the possibility of any pain. But I am learning that pain is a part of life, just as much as joy and love and even the air that we breathe. Pain is a part of living and loving, and a life without pain is a life without love. I have been trying to protect myself from making mistakes, getting hurt, and feeling pain, and in doing this, I have built some of the tallest, thickest, and strongest walls anyone could ever imagine.
I am learning that nothing can grow within walls like these. In this space, the sun can't shine, the air can't flow, and so nothing can grow. I can't grow.
And I want to grow.
Create my own path...
Being my true authentic self is something I have constantly struggled with. It is discouraging and terrifying to be 38 years old, and to not feel like I truly know who I am. But I am dedicating my days to learning, which is one of the main reasons for this blog.
For most of my life, I have lived the way I felt that I "ought to live" rather than following my passions and dreams. That's not to say that there is no passion connected to my life and the choices I have made...there most certainly is. But I cannot truthfully say that I have taken many risks in my life. I have always played it safe. Being vulnerable has never been my strength.
But I am learning that is not too late. The journey I am taking is making my path. No matter how much my path twists and turns or how "off course" it seems, it is my path, and I am exactly where I need to be. Nepo writes, "...it is the path off the path that brings us to God," (p. 44) and "There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths," (p. 26).
There are no wrong turns.
One of my favorite quotes from Braving the Wilderness is when Brown says, "If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path," (p. 40).
Yes. A thousand times yes.
And so coming back to these strong and sturdy walls that I have built, I am faced with this question: Do I want to live the rest of my life in this space that I created that is closed off from the rest of the world? This space may protect me from the unknown, but it also prevents me from experiencing all of the joy, beauty, love and connection that exists outside of these walls. This space separates me from the people I love and all that I could love if I wasn't trapped inside.
Yes, this space may keep me safe from all of the hypothetical dangers I worry about, but it is also lonely and sad here because these walls prevent the possibility of joy and love that could come from embracing the unknown. I am reaching a point in my life where I am beginning to wonder about life beyond these walls I have created.
What is possible?
My heart tells me that there is a lot of wonderful, joyful, and beautiful life left waiting to be lived. Life that is filled with light, and air that flows, and all the space I could ever need to grow. Infinite, endless, beautiful space...and possibility.
It is time for my path to lead me far, far beyond these walls to a place filled with light and love and joy and belonging. A place where I can grow and truly live my beautiful life.
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