Even though January ended 18 days ago, I still wanted to reflect on what I learned. I created My Gratitude Project so that I could spend this year embracing the moments as they come, living completely in those moments, and appreciating all that I have. As part of this project, reflection is really important...even when it is late.
I love the buzz of the new year. Everyone is talking about fresh starts and clean slates, and the Internet is bursting with articles on how to better yourself in the new year...providing tips for making and maintaining habits that will help you to eat better, get in shape, clear clutter, organize, be more productive, etc. Everyone seems motivated and committed to become the best version of themselves and to make this year the best year ever. It can be very inspiring if you let yourself believe in it all.
There tends to be a big push for cleaning, organizing, and managing to-do lists in the new year. Even in Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, she focused on "tossing, restoring, and organizing" in order to help her "boost energy" in January. Rubin makes a great point, "outer order contributes to inner calm," and I totally agree with this. I know that I feel very agitated when my home is messy and cluttered and when I have an overwhelming list of things to do.
But right now, in this moment, I need to take a different approach. I feel like I need to clear the clutter that is inside of my head before I can even begin to think about the clutter in my house or in other areas of my life. I feel like if I first spend time focusing on my inner self, I will then have a clearer outlook on how to tackle my outer world. Perhaps if I can connect with what's going on inside of me, other things may fall into place. Maybe if I learn more about myself, I can prioritize and organize my life in a more meaningful way...in a way that makes more sense for what I need right now. Because although my life is wonderful in many ways, I could use some help when it comes to making the most of each day.
And so instead of worrying about cleaning, decluttering, creating to-do lists, and managing time, I am focusing on journaling, reading, meditating, and yoga. It may sound a little self-indulgent, but if I want to make the most of my days by enjoying each moment and connecting with others, I need to first connect with myself. I need to find peace. The noise inside my head needs to stop.
Perhaps the biggest lesson that I discovered in January is that living from a place of "knowing" is my comfort zone. When I think I know, I feel prepared and protected. "Knowing" has always been my security blanket...it's what I felt kept me safe and prevented me from getting hurt. But I am realizing that "knowing" has caused me a lot more pain than I ever imagined.
When I think I know what the future will bring, I worry. In fact, most of what I worry about are things that might happen. If I stopped "knowing" so much, I might worry less.
When I think I know how a day will go, I dread it because I think it will be a bad day, or at the end of the day, I feel disappointed because I thought it was going to be better than what it turned out to be. If I stopped "knowing" so much, I might feel happier.
When I think I know how others will act, I put my guard up or I get hurt. When I expect others to act a certain way, I become distant so that they can't hurt me, or I end up feeling hurt if they don't do what I hoped they would. If I stopped "knowing" so much, I might connect with others more.
When I think I know why someone acts a certain way, I make assumptions about their motives and feelings, and I don't always make kind assumptions. In fact, I often jump to the worst conclusions, which can make me feel hurt, angry, and sad. If I stopped "knowing" so much, I might feel less hurt and more compassion.
When I'm upset about something, I'm really good at "knowing" what everyone else did wrong and what they need to do to make it right. In other words, when I "know," I blame. If I stopped "knowing" so much, I might listen to others more and see their side of things.
When I think I know, I attach my own meaning to situations, and often times, my meaning is one that creates anxiety and pain. If I stopped "knowing" so much, maybe I would actually see things for what they really are. Maybe I would see what is really true.
And when I don't know something, I search for the answers. I have this over-the-top consuming desire to figure out the "right" answers all the time. But I am learning that I search for the answers in the wrong places. If I stopped "knowing" so much, I might listen to myself more. I might pause in silence and reflect.
In living from this place of "knowing," I rob myself of the joy of being surprised, the beauty of what is, and the curiosity and hope of what could be. Living this way prevents me from seeing what is really true. "Knowing" is isolating and it creates this "hypothetical" life of what may or may not be. "Knowing" consumes my mind with worries, fears, false assumptions, and disappointments that I create in my head. It is difficult - if not impossible - to see the beauty in a moment when your mindset is blocking the truth.
Because here's the thing, when I think I know, it changes how I interact with the world and with the people around me. I have no doubt that how I act affects how others act toward me, so if I go into a situation with a distant heart, it is very likely that my distance will cause others to treat me differently than if I had approached them with an open and curious heart. Because I went into the situation "knowing" how someone would act, I will never know for sure how they would have really treated me.
In The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo writes, "...the very energy of life is the spirit released by things being what they are," (p. 19). Living from a place of "knowing" blocks me from living a life grounded in truth. "Knowing" blocks me from experiencing the true spirit of others, and it blocks me from being who I truly am. "Knowing" blocks my true spirit.
It is time for me to release my true spirit. I have blocked it for so long, I don't even know where it is or what it is. But I am ready to find out.
No comments